i told you that you'd be a composite you'll be in my art, of course you will you will represent everything i hate about myself, and about loving another you said to me on the porch that night you were worried that the composite would be a white guy with shitty facial hair oh honey, how does being the devil sound? when i left that morning i drove like i just escaped jail pedal to the metal down i-85 screaming my favourite mountain goats song when i left that morning i wanted to make my new loves home hopefully by lunchtime but any time at all would have been so serene hey man can i bum a fucking cigarette no i haven't drank too much, i mean, you know things like that are all relative yeah i'm safe to drive, it's only 20 minutes to home i just feel like if i stay here any longer the spins will only begin to get worse and worse i'd rather spin in the comfort of my own bed closing my eyes and seeing the beauty of life when i came home that night everything moved in yet unpacked i sat on my newfound couch and said god i wish i could have a beer and a smoke when i came home that night everything spinning and fading out i screamed until my cords were hoarse coughing blood saying fuck i need a smoke can i lay in your bed without speaking i don't even want to do anything right now i just need a quiet place to think and my house is too quiet to think in can i cry in your bathroom and never talk about it after i'm done i just keep thinking about how thankful i am how beautiful everything is right now i am sorry that i cried i am sorry that i loved i am sorry that i moved let me make it up to you i am thankful that i cry i am thankful that i love i am thankful that i'm home thank you, everyone for making this my beautiful home

i am so sorry and if i never talk to you again, i love you very much more than you can understand although it’s more than you think you talked to me about the feelings that you had for someone that had no feelings for you they didn’t even know you wanted them like that i wish you could know how i understood i am so angry and please understand it’s not at or with you i just wish i could let go of these pubescent feelings you, i guess, will always be my first love i will carry these feelings to the grave only expressed in poems kept away how i wish you’d waste your beauty on me but you know it would be a waste this is a lot to hear i understand that and i am sorry that it’s being expressed in places you don’t check hoping you won’t read and hoping you don’t learn that i’ve been keeping this away from you please don’t hate me for what i never learned only hate me for what i refuse to learn and for my unacceptable behaviour i am so upset and only with myself upon reflection i knew you didn’t feel that way, or even care it’s all a joke to you in the end but in the flirtatious edges of a joke shared and the things you’ve shown me of yourself i will never be able to accept myself because all i feel is fucking shame.

soon as i walked through the doorway you wiped that stupid smirk off your face and i looked in your eyes like i used to do and i said i don't wanna do this with you anymore and you you you didn't pause for a minute you didn't think twice about it and now it is 8pm and you are wondering when you might be able to go home well i'm here to tell you like a messenger out of a roman war camp that you will never go home there is no moses to lead you while you roam and i'm here to tell you like a frankish cavalry charge that you oh you will never amount to the things that you said you wanted to and you oh, and you you were a waste of my time now go waste someone elses

it’s no pleasure in life; a better woman than me said that i am a fake, a fraud and if i really mean it, why don’t i do it? it’s no pleasure living; if you can even really call it that i am a miserable fuck like broken father like broken son it’s no pleasure telling you this; i still love you and i want you in all of the ways one could want someone i feel so guilty it’s no pleasure telling you this; i never stopped loving you and i know you don’t love me like i love you i feel so guilty it’s not pleasurable to do this; miserable writing emotionally stroking my self-image issues i do it out of compulsion, i do it because i tell myself i’ll die if i don’t it’s no pleasure in real life; as an adult, as a child, as a senior, as a teenager i’m here building my own mythos for myself to believe i think i’m finally ready

football game on the television it's just something to fill the space cans of monster energy litter the old coffee table from your grandparents i don't know what i did to deserve this and i don't ever want to find out roaches scamper across the floor i don't even care to kill them anymore the old paintings have fused to the wall i don't look forward to removing them i don't know what i did to deserve this and i don't ever want to find out it's the most incredible thing you came, you ruined, you left it's the most beautiful thing you came, you ruined, you left juste une autre transsexuelle lesbienne a worthless phrase of passing identities but they were enough, enough to send you away i hope you go somewhere and you fucking stay i don't know what i did to deserve this and i don't ever want to find out l'enfer, c'est les autres, disent-ils sometimes it feels like you never feel but now you're gone, i sent you away i hope you've gone somewhere you'd like to stay i don't know what i did to deserve this and i don't ever want to find out it's the most upsetting thing you came, you ruined, you left it's the most horrific thing you came, you ruined, you left